big gaps
can't believe what was happening today... revenge of the big gaps, wasn't it?
my morning lecture had 2 girls who cannot stop chatting away, making stupid jokes, laughing loudly when the rest of the theater was dead silent. what the fuck? if u r so not god-damned interested in the lecture, then fucking get out and stop distracting and annoying people who are listening!!! bitch!!!
then was having lunch at Crystal Jade Bugis. there was this woman, presumably with her friends/colleagues and her boyfriend/husband. that woman was so irritating that she ended up giving Joshua and i a headache... she couldn't stop talking loudly, she was rude and crude with words, and talked without thinking. sigh.... give me a break from these people!
there seems like there's no day where i cannot escape people especially loud-mouthed bitches who talk mindlessly and insatiably... they jus wanna let the whole world know the fact that they are air-heads! golly!
Could God seal up big empty gaps with concrete, and wait for it to solify?
Bless the world with peace...
Jumbo Crab
it was a nice day (initially). studied for my info-system test, finished the organic food powerpoint.
but still suffering from writer's block over the Meiji Japan essay. damn it. so frustrated with myself. still am though.
had chilli crab with fried man-tous this evening at Jumbo Seafood East Coast Park with Joshua.
ordered mussels, drunken prawns and 2 coconuts as well! nice!
$88 for 2 pax. i don't know whether it's expensive or not, but i know that Jumbo serves really good Chilli Crab. Sri Lankan Meat crab with sweet tender juicy meat. 1 Kg for $33... hmmm...
Joshua was so sweet... he shelled the crab and prawns for me. me being the helpless pampered kitty cat is so feeble and clumsy. i don't know how to shell crabs and take so damn long to shell them. prefer to sit there patiently, wag my tail and rub against people's leg so that they would feed me. well, Daddy feeds me nicely. no wonder Daddy said i should get a boyfriend who knows how to shell crabs well so he would shell for me. but i must not take his kindness as his weakness. in return for his sweetness, must know how to cherish and respect him.
i was quite nasty today. regretting my actions... more so my spoken words.
1) received a call from Jared after dinner. this was what happened (part of call):
Jared: where are you now?
Me : on way home, just had seafood dinner.
Jared: with whom?
Me : just a friend lah.
Me : all your fault lah, i've been waiting for you to have seafood dinner but you're always busy!
Jared: hahah! sorry sorry!
having heard me said that, Joshua was uncomfortable and unhappy. a bit jealous too.
he couldn't understand why i didn't tell Jared that i was with my boyfriend. he felt that i substituted Jared with him, coz i wanted to have seafood dinner with Jared a long time ago but because Jared was always busy, i ended up calling him for seafood dinner!
well... i did wanted to have chilli crabs with Jared for a long time already. but he was always busy with work before his enlistment. so too bad for that punk. missed a seafood feast with me! but i have never intended to substitute Jared with Joshua!!! Jared is my young punk, my little brother, my close pal... and whether i have a boyfriend or not... i don't think it'll matter??? but i know that he would be happy for me, but i know he would also worry for me.
i am so sorry darling. i was too insensitive and careless. should have considered more for your feelings. sigh... i neglected the fact that you would be uncomfortable with me not telling Jared that i was with you, and that seafood remark was intended to be sarcastic... i am so sorry...!!!
oh well.... all in all, i wasn't paying much attention... my fault!
but i can understand his feelings.... what i said to Jared reminded him of what Regina did and said to others when she was still with him. i was too insensitive and didn't think of that... so what i said brought fear and bad memories back to him. it is a very frightening process... bad haunting memories can easily devour people's sanity and emotional well being alive.
i just want to say that... darling... you mean alot to me. i don't want to say things that hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. i am so sorry... i will more sensitive next time... i want to be a better girl, a better girlfriend, a better wife. urgh... i am so disappointed in myself...
2) i kinda sounded pissed when he had no cash for pay for cab. well, is not that i wanted him to pay, but more so, he should have told me that he had no cash on him but only card... i don't wanna realize i only have $7 and short $2 for the fares. but then again curse that cab driver! it was supposed to only come up to $7.50 from East Coast to my house... nevertheless, i shouldn't sound pissed with Joshua.
and this is not the first time i sound pissed with him. i recall that there's been a couple of times when i sounded pissed with him for touching me at sensitive spots when we're in 'open' places and disturbing me when i am concentrating on some work... well... i should learn how to control my temper.
Nothing beats having seafood dinner under the palms and stars with the one you love.
Wala-wala
was at Wala-Wala Cafe-Pub last evening with Joshua and Jing Yu.(a classmate from History) haha! brilliantly Jing Yu decided to play prank call on Eileen... (the fat bitch) he so regretted doing that! she guessed the caller was him in less than 5 mins???
shucks, wonder how is he going to tide over this sem without getting raped... *wink*
something tells me that Jing Yu is always on her mind. not to mention that she has this uncanny ability to appear within 10 meter radius wherever he is. i.e being the eerie presence which he can't get outta his head.. that poor boy...
i had a superbly fanstatic time with Joshua later the night.
to touch him, to hold him, to lick him. snuggle up with him.
so warm and wholesome to just feel him in me... just the 2 of us... skin on skin...
makes life complete and loved.
Making passionate love is a gift to the human soul, heightening the long-forgotten sensuality.
bon supremacy
today was a beautiful day. spent my evening with Joshua. he drove me back to NUS to sign a form and came back to Siglap for dinner. i love being with him... chat with him while he drives, kiss him at a red light stop, hold his hand while we walk, lean on his chest while he sits beside me caressing my hair. such is a sweet life. every moment is like a drop of pearl. so precious. i don't want to leave his side, don't want to leave his warm hugs, i don't want to walk alone. his touch tells me that he cares, his voice brings cheers to my monotonous life. his hugs fill me with love. his caresses so gentle and sweet, they serenade me to sleep.
Joshua may not have Benson's well-built chest / figure or is super-bon in bed...
but he is good enough for me. i am contented and blissful.
My Terminal Mooncakes
Joshua was such a sweetheart today. well, ok, he is a sweetheart everyday. what am i saying?
he drove me to school, he drove me around Chinatown and Shenton Way to run some errands for Daddy. he was so irritated with the traffic but he didn't complain. he was just grouchy but i can understand his frustrations. i appreciate everything he does for me. he may be grouchy, but he does everything he can to help me because he loves me lots. i thank him for that. i love him for who he is. grouchy? who isn't grouchy when their days are bad? duh...
walking down Chinatown with him, buying mooncakes for Daddy, sipping sweet coconut juice was really nice. so relaxing and worry-free. just the both of us, hand in hand in the heart fo the city, sipping coconut juice. so carefree. away from school, work and parents for awhile.
we came home. he watched Naruto. i did some work and dinner. sweet simple lifestyle.
bought a box of fresh durian mooncakes on my way home too. wow! it tastes so good! pure durian flesh in snowskin. the bitter-sweet filling was orgasmatic! 4 pieces for $35. a very good buy considering that you can hardly get durian on the market now, eat it like ice cream too!
then we went down to Tampine Mall to catch THE TERMINAL. (stay posted for reviews!)
i just want to say that, yes, as confused as i may be, alwiz heading for some accidents and troubles. as much as i don't know what i want, sit one corner and sulk. as much as i drive Joshua up the Eiffel Tower and send him crashing back down to Earth...
i do love him. i cannot imagine days without him by my side.
i want to love and protect him, kiss him awake every morning for the next 60years,
cheer him up when he is down, play with him when he is bored.
i need him. i need him to keep me sane and cheery. to let me know that i am loved.
as much as i complain that i am spending too much time with him, that i have no space and time of my own. i know that it is me to say such things when i am tired, depressedand muddle-headed. i better just keep quiet. makes life much easier and happier rather than to confront senseless paranoia. the past holds more memories of happiness and achievement. occasional failures are peanuts. i am destined to achieve bigger brighter goals.
Joshua is my terminal. where my plane heads home. my safe harbour from the storms.
Joshua is my mooncake. mine! all mine! *muacks!!!*
KLCC (and back)
Day 1
18/09/2004
it's one of the earliest days Joshua and i ever woke up. we were due at Golden Mile Complex Beach Rd at 8am. that silly boy only woke up at 6.45am? but that is still comparatively early to normal days. we're embarking on a long bumpy tiring ride to Kuala Lumpur, the capital of Malaysia!
that coach ride was so uncomfortable and bumpy. i forced myself to sleep all the way so i won't suffer from motion sickness and start puking all over. 6 hours... spare me. thank God Joshua was with me throughout the journey but that lazy boy fell asleep before i can say "talk to me...". well, i know he was very tired so didn't wanna disturb him too.
only reached KL Jalan Pudu at 2.00pm. checked in our hotel at 2.30pm. Swiss-Garden Hotel. well, could't get a better one coz that silly travel agency only offered 3 hotels and the other 2 better ones were fully booked. how unfortunate! rushed for a good shower. feels so sticky and dirty after coach rides... yucks. tried to catch a quick nap while Joshua played with the gadgets in the room, fiddling with the tv remote control.
we met Zhuo Min at 6.30pm. Min is my TJC schoolmate who is a KL native. but she studied for 2 yrs in Sg and now in Aberdeen UK. she doesn't really know her way around KL either. meaning, she is unfamiliar with the roads and the fun places. hahaha! she brought us for Bak-Kut-Teh (literally translated into English as Meat-Bone-Tea) with her grandparents. well, the Bak-Kut-Teh was so good! unlike the Sg version which is very oily and spicy with black peppers, the malaysian version is sweet and mild. not oily too. nice! i enjoyed it but didn't have much. not really a eat-meat person. i personally prefer seafood, tofu, veggies and fruits. just bland scalded stuff, or boiled in a soup. nothing too strong in taste and flavour and oily.
well, i was feeling quite tired and Joshua didn't have any idea of where to go, so we came back to the hotel to watch tv and sleep at 9.30pm. yawns...
Day 2
19/09/2004
woke up at 9.30am and had a hard time dragging Joshua out of bed to take his shower. well, he loves to roll in bed like a doggie, toss and turn like a salad and not get out of bed. the ultimate bum characteristic. and he doesn't like to bathe!!!! *smelly doggie* imagine after drooling all over his face and pillow, he refuses to bathe coz he says he bathed the night before? how more unhygenic can he get?!?! i am sorry, though that is my boyfriend, i totally agree that everyone must bathe once they wake up!!! went down for buffet breakfast which sucked. so disappointing hence came back to continue sleeping. yepz, we are 2 sleepy-heads... nothing is more enjoyable than pure-sleep....
met Min at 11.30am and took the LRT to Suria KLCC. yepz, the Petronas Twin Tower. really cool! i think that is also the cleanest part of KL City. the Twin Towers are 2 amazing architectural structures. all sleek and polished. it houses a huge shopping mall at its base, selling all sorts of highly expensive luxurious products like Prada, Gucci and Cartier. (middle eastern crude oil tycoons and family have the ability to spend and live lavishly anyway). around it are the very expensive hotels like The Ascott service apartments and The Mandarin Oriental. also there is a lush green park with wide open spaces and clean skyline and a public pool for kids. cool! but also got mat-rockers, couples and families with numerous kids running around. ouch to my ears. Joshua was happily entertaining himself with toys at the toys section of Isetan, playing with Transformer figurines and acting silly... (what's new?) i am not going to bring him out to shopping malls ever... so embarrassing!
moreover, i had not-fresh milk that morning. so kept going to toilet to diarrhead every half to one hour. how irritating can it get? lactose intolerance. thank God KLCC toilet quite clean...
after that, we went to Bintang Walk. Joshua wanted to take a look and maybe buy some pirated PS-2 software. thus we went to Plaza Low Yat which is something like our Sim Lim Square, selling all those IT stuff, mobile phones crystal-jade jewellery and arts-craft, together with pirated VCDs and PS-2 softwares. it was very crowded and noisy, bustling with activities and transactions. Bengs shouting everywhere, Lians prancing everywhere. i was going deaf and mute, too exhausted....
that evening, we went to Jalan Petaling with Min to have dinner and walk the night bazaar. dinner was ok, quite expensive coz it was out to empty tourists wallets. bought nothing at the bazaar coz didn't have anything else in mind to buy. moreover, it was raining and crowded so decided to just get out fast.
Day 3
20/09/2004
last day in KL. we slept in till late before heading to the chinese restaurant downstairs for some Dim Sum breakfast. so-so only, nothing fantastic. but cheap. S$15 for 2 pax. good. met Min at 1.30 Lalan Petaling to have beef noodles. nice and cheap! the beef was fresh and tender! but the walk under the sun was a killer. the noon sun gave me a bad throbbing headache for the rest of the day.... ouch.
went back to the hotel at 3 and rested till 5 before boarding the coach, embarking upon a long bumpy ride back to Sg....
Conclusion
KL is ok, not very fun, or perhaps i didn't visit those very fun places like Jalan Sultan Ismail and Zouk KL. well, don't really feel like clubbing either. this time, main aim of going to KL was to take a break away from the mundane routine of school and give my mind a rest which unfortunately was rather impossible, i didn't get my due share of rest, both mentally and physcially. i am now more tired than ever. also, wanted to spend time with Joshua. but coz i was so tired and uncomfortable, we didn't go anywhere much or do anything much but sleep when we could. he was engrossed in tv. the more fulfilling event was meeting my dear sotong fren, Min before she elaves for UK for another year.... well, it's really good seeing her again, and spending time with her, going places and talking rubbish. lame gang rules! ok... and i won't be going KL for a long time... hahahaha...
questioning me
i just know that i am born to Earth to fulfil God's intended purpose for me, to love and bring glory to His name. working for His purpose gives me joy. then, if i am happy and contented and protected by Joshua's side, doesn't that mean that i am walking on God's intended path? May He show me some wisdom.... Amen.
KLCC
it's been a few days since i last blogged.
i've been busy with essays and book reviews. busy deciphering all my readings and try to articulate intelligible convincing arguments. such is life.
nope, i am not complaining.
1) i enjoy my work alot. it means alot to me. i wanna spend every moment of my academic days to the fullest, challenge myself to higher intellectual levels, ask more questions and try to hypothesize more answers. make sense of everything.
2) i enjoy the love of my boyfriend. he takes good care of me. he plays with me. he tolerates all my tantrums and hugs me to sleep. he means alot to me. i just enjoy being with him.
3) i know i have the support and love of my best friends... michele and elaine. they love me for who i am, not what i do. silly as i may be, they still love me. and yes, they are my angels. they make my day all so much better. i cannot do without them. cheers girls!
now having completed half a semester, wrapped up my book review and Southeast Asia literatutre essay. i am off go Kuala Lumpur Malaysia this weekend! leaving on Saturday 8am and would only be back late on Monday nite. whoa..... i deserve a good escapade...
5666
what was it with this weekend?!?!
all the beautiful people are out painting the town in colorful polka dots!
sigh... i feel so DEMORALIZED!!!
and by the way, is not only the Chinese Ah-Lians who are pretty, also the Eurasians, American-born-Chinese, and Malayees... ..!!! the entire C.M.I.O powerpuff package were on display!
i was at Takashimaya Delifrance yesterday evening enjoying my Tai-Tais dinner gathering, a whole grand procession of dainty sweet-faced maidens. complete with matt complexion, sharp nose, high brows, and a light hint of eyeshadow. tagging in line are their princely consorts escorting their royal highnesses. feel as if i was withnessing a royal Gala Parade welcoming of the Mid-Autumn Festival... ... (insert mooncakes, lanterns, pomelos and Chinese Tea)
sorry but i canot help feeling envious! all so gorgeous! like larger-than-life Barbie dolls?
am i wrong to feel jealous, no? Michele and Elaine would agree with me. hahaha!
(Club Spinsters / Maidens Unwanted / Citizens of no-suitors land) that's us!!!
then, i was at Siglap Springvale Haagen Daz tis evening trying hard to read my "Woman, Man, Bangkok" by Barme while being amply entertained by my beloved Joshua and his silly antics. once again, there's something wrong with this weekend right?!?!?!
tis time, it wasn't just long-legged slim beautiful angels fluttering past me.
bring in the men!!! yeah!!! young good-looking punks driving BMWs, Volkswagen Tourage, Lexus RX300, Audi A4 etc... whoa!!! such eye-candies well decorated with decorum of glittering riches and gold. these yuppies are living the high life! (how? i don't know.) cafe lifestyles, wine under the stars, good food, fast cars, Zara men tops, and leather loafers! kewl!
well, enough of gushing. high life, material luxuries, gourmet food, fast cars and a multi-cards wallet are nice! but personally... wealth and material luxuries are of transitory nature. they are not eternal. the happiness bought are temporal too. sooner or later, the novelty wears off and one would seek newer, better gadgets. it is fine to be envious. i admit that i was envious too. it is right to work your way honestly towards such material rewards. but there lies a thin fine line between "i would love to have that .. but i am ok to do without it" and "i die-die must have that.... buy it for me!" translated into, a thin line between a want and an obession with material enjoyments. to me, sufficient and easy to go by is enough. too much of a good thing loses its significance and value. serving God is more fulfilling.
and i don't agree to women living of their men either. really. if you want a 0.5 carat platinum diamond ring. you wanna go spa and personal-trainer gym. go earn your own dough. right?
but then again, offer me a 0.5 carat diamond ring and i'll probably not reject it? heehee!
Joshua's parents are really nice and warm people.
Joshua's Dad is hilarious!
Judgement Day
why do people like to judge?
i quote: "he/she appears to ...." , "i think he/she is..." and therefore, "why the hell are you with such a person?!" mindfully, they do not know that person well enough to even comment a thing! don't say anything to make yourself look shallow if you only met the person once. you being older than me by a mere <10yrs.
by judging him/her would not make you look better.
what gives them the right to judge?
that is a good question. i frankly don't know why and i try to refrain myself from judging people.
i know well that i am imperfect. everyone has their right to choose what sort of life they want to live, how they would want to behave and present themselves to this imperfect world. fine.
why do people judge? maybe because they have been compared and judged before?
and so gains fulfillment by judging others. sounds confusing?
ok, let me illustrate and put it as rationally as i can.
when you date a few people at the same time. it is highly unlikely that you would end up with all of them right? after a period of dating, evaluation and testing out the waters etc, you tend to choose the one most appropriate for you. then, happily settle for that choice, cherish him/her and make things work!
that is one side of the story.
what happens to those who didn't manage to work out a relationship with you.
they start to judge you...
"that girl is a flirt. she is aimless.!she has no directions! one time date so many guys. i thought she liked me!?" mutiply this by the number of rejected suitors.
"see? you are unhappy because you didn't choose the right guy! if you got wotgether with someone your family approves of, then all these would not happened."
"in what ways is he better than me? he is young, childish, immatured!"
this is the other side of the story.
i wonder what gives them the right to judge other and exude a holier-than-thou attitude.
may i remind these people that, if you were as good as you thought you were, then you would have already been chosen to be blessed to a sweet communion. the one right beside her would have been 'you'. not 'him'. thus, he should have a winning edge over you. moreover it is her choice. since you trusted her enough to want to be with her and entrust her with your heart, then you should trust her choice of a partner! are you not doubting yourself?
the only person who has the right to judge anyone is God Almighty.
He created you for His purpose, he deliberately made us with flaws but he also endowed us with talents. He loves us for who we are, silly and naive, stern and grumpy. but alas, He is our magnanimous Lord. He is the one who keeps all the scores, every little thing one does counts to how you would be judged and ultimately decides whether you would be richly rewarded eternity and be with God forever.
Disclaimer:
the above article is not directed at anybody but everybody. we all sinned. for when have we not entertained such thought, some of us have even put them into actions.
but, after a break up, please stop giving yourself excuses to why you broke up and for you actions (or the lack of it), say meaningless things like i-love-you, i-miss-you! don't assume that the person has not gotten over you nor think too highly of yourself. don't think of the one you broke off with as stupid, don't make yourself look an asshole. it takes 7 seconds to reach orgasm and only a determined spirit to forget the past.
from the very day you broke up, some things has and will change.
Bliss Us
i feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful boyfriend.
he is very sweet and understanding!
no matter how sad, unhappy, full of angst, or vexed i feel.
no matter how i sulk and pushes him away when he tries to hug me.
he would forgive me should i hiss and scratch him for touching me.
like an agitated cat. arching its back, hissing and clawing away.
he would then leave me alone for awhile.
come back 2hrs later and take me out for a walk.
on the way, he would tell me silly jokes, funny tales, entertain me with animative expressions.
once i start laughing, i would feel better. and that's all that matters to him.
to make me happy. to see me smile again.
i tend to contradict myself. i am indecisive.
i tend to get irritated when i am feeling hot or sticky with perspiration.
i tend to get annoyed with people who talk to much for too long about nothing.
i tend to start to scrowl and get grumpy when i am hungry and tired.
i hate to waste my time doing nothing, rotting away.
for all these negative points i have which makes me who i am.
Joshua still loves me and accomodates me for them. he accepts me for who i am.
he never resents them. when he knows that i am tired, hungry or sleepy.
he would take better care of me so i would feel okay.
for those hurtful things i say, he forgives me despite feeling puzzled himself.
for all those unreasonable demands i make: going to 6th Ave for ice-cream?
he gives in to me.
for all that he does so unselfishly, i thank God for blessing me with Joshua.
i feel so fortunate to be loved and to be able to love him.
everyday is filled with bliss.
the day can be lousy, but he would make everything better.
nights can be scary, but knowing that my random thoughts would confuse him, i would refrain myself from them.
he never dares to let me go out alone.
knowing that this silly kitty would chase butterflies without looking at directions, curious about funny-looking flowers, chew on some moulded garbage and drink from polluted cans.
tis kitty would then be run down by a cab, knock her head against a glass panel, trip and fall down a flight of stairs, get a bad tummy-ache from eating all the spoilt foods.
if doggie doesn't go out with kitty, then kitty would just faint on the streets!
therefore, doggie has to escort kitty out, take care of her, guide her along so nothing would happen to her and she would come home safely instead of getting lost and caught by AVA officers!
Kitty loves Doggie.
Kitty needs Doggie.
Kitty wants to be with Doggie and have 'Miufs'!
The Godfather
God-pa is a very well-knowledged and wise man. i admire him alot.
in everything he does, he puts in his best efforts. when he learns a new skill or even a new hobby, he focus all his energy towards it, devoting his time to learning its basics.
by 'focusing' means, to pay attention to it and not be distracted by other new interests. may it be learning diving, gold, pottery or dancing, focus on one interest at a time. learn it well, polish up your skill and be well sparred in them before going on to another new hobby. "do not be a Jack-of-all-trades, Master-of-none." is what he often reminds me when i am picking up a new intere
learning an interest to professional levels, is tantamount to investing time in training for a new job which you know you won't have to work a day should you go into that line. that is what i constantly remind myself. because, when i am well-skilled in my hobby, i can 'sell' those skills and still have tons of fun while working, so i don't have to work a day but i am so enjoying myself. makes sense?
Godfather is also very environmentally friendly. i wish that all Singaporeans could be like him, to put in an effort in protecting our fragile ecosystem. God-pa doesn't use pesticides at home, he lights bergamot oil candles to rid the house of insects. he keeps 3 buckets of worms to biodegrade fresh fruit peels and vegetable waste. the waste that the worms produce can in turn be used as organic fertilizers.
God-pa's house has alot of trees, shrubs and bushes with scented flowers, and his walls and fences are filled with creeper plants. the house is tall, airy and well-lit. as Joshua plays the piano, the accoustics of the house enables the sound to travel round the front porch, coming out from the main door and side door.
it's a joy to sit under the stars in the garden, sip tea and savour mooncakes, have my sense tingles by the sweet scent of fresh flowers, enjoy to the sounds of music, hug Jojo the huge hyper-friendly Golden Retriever at my lap, well hiden by the thick greenery from the prying eyes of the public and chat with my godparents, spend some quality time with them.
God-pa owes his material luxuries and wealth to sheer hard work, determination and strict self-discipline. having slogged for Singapore Airlines for the last 30years, he has come a long way. politics in the office, being highly sensitive to shifting market trends in the airline industries, upkeeing SIA's high safety standards, upgrading his knowledge and managerial skills.
that is who i aspire to be.
i take God-pa as my role model. to inspire myself to soar to greater heights.
to build a strong foundation in my career. stay out of the route to retrenchment.
being ahead of my peers in terms of moral values and maturity in thoughts and actions.
this is what i want to achieve.
be a loving wife to my husband, kids eventually. packaged together, a loving family.
a home i can call my own. a blissful marriage. a family of my own.
ok, maybe a doggie and/or kitty as well. adding priceless joys to my family life.
cook a wholesome dinner for my family then go for evening strolls with my darling husband.
talk about everything and anything, enjoying our private times together while the kids do their homework. hold his arm, lean on his shoulders, kiss his cheeks to let him know how much i appreciate him. how more blessed can life get?
A family that prays together, stays together.
sleep essential
i haven't been sleeping well lately. last nite was terrible.
my brain was so freshly awake! feels really bad to be unable to fall asleep when i know i need to, especially coz there's a long day ahead in school tomorrow. really drains me out.
can't remember what i ate or drank that caused imsomnia. hmmm. *ponders*
if otherwise, if that mounting academic stress. alot of assignments, projects and tests coming up.
i need a break!!!
but then again, i must constantly remind myself that vacations abroad are expensive!!!
right now, i am rather broke. therefore, Joshua and i have to make do with picnic at Botanic Gardens, swimming and tanning at NUS pool, beach volley at Sunset Bay, cycling at East Coast Park or Ubin Island
who said that Singapore can't be fun???
it will only be fun if you want to make it fun! well, we can spend some time painting my room, rearranging the furnitures, bake cakes and pies, or cook something nice. just enjoy our day! doesn't need to be expensive.
it doesn't matter what you do, but who are with that makes your day fulfilled.
last few days
i don't know what to blog these few days...
no inspiration to write anything... may it be happy or sad.
i also don't know.
i just have nothing to blog these few days so been keeping very quiet.
first and foremost, i felt that these few days have been really unproductive in terms of school work. alot of assignments piling up. sigh. alot of books to read and write journal reviews. stressed. the intellectual leap and requirements are really demanding. deadlines drawing near.
i hate spending my time on unproductive things.
every moment now, i just want to study and review my work.
already in Year 2 now... cannot afford to play anymore.
all my other free time, wanna spend them wisely with Michele, Joshua, myself and Grandma.
i miss Michele. long for her companionship. go window shopping together. chat over ice cream.
i miss spending time with myself. read a challenging novel, listen to music, and swim.
just be alone
hmmm... still don't know what to blog.
think it would be a few days before i have something sensible to write.
Eva 7
tis evening we did a review and evaluation of our relationship.
yes. i am currently attached.
i am attached to a wonderful guy called Joshua.
due to some things i said repeatedly, Joshua's facing immense pressure from sheer uncertainty caused by me. he started doubting our relationship and my indecisiveness.
haha, yes, i am a self contradictory person, and pretty good doing that too!
let me make myself clear.
i am certain of what i want, who i want to be with, and why i am attached to this person.
i am certain that i want to be with Joshua, that i do love him and i do need Joshua in my life.
i am attached to him because i am very attracted to him, i accept him and his values,
i love him for who he is, and for the fact that he loves me lots too.
we are happily comfortable together.
but, being that self contradictory messy web i am, i tend to air the views of the alternative choices as well. i am aware of what other choices i have, what lies in the oposite of the coin.
but, i will not choose them. just brought it up only..... why so sensitive? alright, i do know and i do highly appreciate that you care lots about my feelings and thought my darling.... hugs and kisses!
being aware of the alternatives is one matter.
shifting my opinions and regreting my choice is another matter altogether!
my stance is : i love Joshua. his voice cheers me up anytime of the day. his touch lets me know that i matter so much to someone hence i should take care of myself. his kisses warms my soul like hot chcolate. everything about him, silly things he does, childish things he say just makes me want to love him and pamper him more!
so, that is all i have to say! and by the way, i do plan for my future. that is, ending up with Joshua for a long time for good, get engaged and build a family together. but is just that, i find it very disturbing and uncomfortable to make such wishes and hopes known. i choose to just work towards my goals silently, praying for God's guidance and blessings. don't need to voice my plans and be attested against.
hmmm.... i guess it's just me. lack confidence faith and trust in everything, myself included. low self esteem.... sigh
a happy face, a cheerful smile, a chirpy attitude doesn't mean that the person is really happy.
myself included in such situations.
a happy face is just a front, forcefully put up to face the world. it is a facade to hide that sad, vulnerable and hurt self. the real self who is depressed, troubled and demoralized.
how can i share my sadness and frustrations with the world?
i cannot appear weak. but i am.
i cannot say that i am a loser but i am.
i cannot say that i need alot of love and attentions, but i do.
suddenly missed my parents lots.
i miss Mummy. i miss Daddy.
it's been so long since they have been away. the house is so empty without them.
no warmth, no love. so cold. so vacant.
i wonder how are they doing, i wonder if they miss me lots too. i wished that i could spend more time with them happily, without arguments and cold wars. help them around, be good to them.
i am envious of the rest of you. going home to your parents, being loved and protected.
going put for family dinners on sundays, going to church as a family. treasure such times.
knowing that your parents are always there, a call away to help you out.
i don't have such privileges.
if Daddy and Mummy had been around to guide and watch over me, alot of unhappy incidents won't have happened, and i won't need to be traumatised by a bastard and still suffer its aftermath.
i want to be a good mother when i become one.
be there for my kids. listen to them, help them out yet not be over-protective.
least, don't let them get cheated or suffer any pains.
lost frens
i am finally on talking terms with Don again.
after a year plus of cold war... since 2003 Feb we haven't been talking, until last Tues?
alot have happened. i am blaming no one for all those very deep misunderstandings.
anyway, nothing much to talk about now also, except about matters strictly regarding History.
i find some friends fucking weird. really, the warped sort!
when i sent them a frienster testimonial, they reject it! being the frank and direct me, i applaud their positive points and also remind them of their weakness. they reject it. why? coz they only want me to write the best, the most wonderful aspects of them! hey screwed up! wake up your idea! you are not perfect and never would be! face reality and accept your weaknesses and work on them! don't be an ostrich!
then, have this one screwed-up friends, once they have girlfriend already, don't wanna meet me. why? coz scared his girlfriend jealous... nutcase! hey anal! it's not as if we never went out before during JC. and we shared no relationship together! so, why should she get jealous if you are just going out with a normal ex schoolmate? either you are fucked up or you have an obsessive-possissive girlfriend! i just wanna say that, i have always respected and honoured our friendship. if not meeting me ever after just coz you are attached, then i would respect your decisions. good luck!
back-date to last night.
Joshua was feeling rather uncomfortable when i mention about my ex-boyfriends or people whom i dated yet never worked out. he said that wasn't jealous but just uncomfortable. i don't know what is the difference. about my past relationships, i have nothing to feel regretful about, nor feel attached to people of the past. if they were good experiences, then i would still be attached to them. simple logic. if i could, i would wish that one of them would burn in hell, and one of them would be lost in space. if i could turn back time, i would have rejected Jackson and told him that i'm not attracted to him, rather to have wasted his time, his efforts and broke his heart into pieces in the end. for that relationship, i am filled with anguish and guilt. i should never have been together with someone i don't love... then again, Joshua also talks about his ex-girlfriends and girls he dated yet never worked out with often. shalt not elaborate on whom. i don't feel uncomfortable, but a little bit jealous... nevertheless, i would try not to bring up the past so often ever. it makes Joshua uncomfortable, and i should respect his feelings. also, no point talking about them now. all is over.
i admit that i am a confused and silly.
i hardly know what i want, or what i am doing.
an unproductive day
today marks the end of the week and today has been unproductive.
just felt like slacking today. least for a while? i need a break!
went back to sch and did nothing. absolutely nothing at all. but had a fun lunch with Dennis and Ron.
chatted about having sex in various acrobatic positions, threesome fantasies, role-playing in school uniforms, toe-sucking, handcuffs and blindfolds etc... haha! darn cool!
thinks aloud: how to guys judge what is 'good' sex. really! what drives guys wild and high?
spent my evening sleeping at home with Joshua. yah.... slept until i didn't watch the time!
was supposed to leave my house at 5pm to reach airport at 5.15pm to send Qi Zheng off to Germany. very good..... slept till almost 6pm! winner lor!
as a result, i didn't manage to send Qi Zheng off.... urgh.... =(
specially for Stan:
"hey dude! if u are reading this, i am sincerely sorry! just wanna say, i will miss you and is looking forward for your return from Germany! good luck while you're there, all the best in your studies and take good care, God bless you richly! remember to either buy me a bon-in-bed Deustcheland male, or 'long hard crunchy Frankfurters' aka sex toys!!! and yes, go there and strut all your fantastic sex performances! screw the wild blondies hard yah! heehee "
rushed off to Bugis Parco to meet Grandma for dinner at 7pm. brought her to enjoy Italian at Sketches. had grilled sole fish with pasta. as well as mushroom salad. eh.... not bad but really huge portions. nevertheless, glad that she enjoyed herself. it's been a long time since i've taken her out to walk walk and have dinner, or even dinner at home with her! lately been quite busy with alot of purpose-less activites, thus regretfully, haven't been at home much. i should stay home more often and talk to her. she gets quite lonely at home. not good for her emtional state of health.
therefore, it wasn't an academically productive day. but it was great chatting with Dennis and Ron, very long never crap around with them already. spent some time at home with Joshua. that was really sweet and warm. i love him, and i need him. to have, to hold, to walk with. had dinner with Grandma. that was nice too, must make old folks happy often so they won't give ya hell when you do something slightly naughty. heh heh!
this evening
thought alot this evening on my way home... i won't say that they were random thoughts, but more so, a good deal of observations of my surroundings and self-reflections that motivates me to think more broadly and seek a deeper meaning of my existence.
life without God's guidance is purposeless, and meaningless. should i not reflect on my past actions and consequences, i would never learn valuable lessons. be less eager to point blame at others, mirror one's deeds and actions first. should i not comtemplate about my life and its events, i would never know whether i am on the right path that He has planned for me; i would never be able to make sense of the society, people and happenings. such as, why do people react in a certain manner when they meet something, why do people like to act in the holier-than-thou attitude, why do nations go to war when they talk shit about world peace. these series of various micro and macro events tend to welcome me to contemplate their significances, how i can learn from their mistakes, and adopt their winning points.
i am not preaching God's teachings to any reader now, neither am i trying to convert anyone. these are just my opinions and revelations. friends who know me know that i don't go to church on a regular basis, i am not that holy, neither do i preach nor judge others and their religious life. simply coz i am in no position to do so. i am still trying my best to be a better Christian in my little ways.
1. i don't regret past decisions and events. many have been unfortunate. many have been rough patches. but, i emphasize, they don't hinder my present living and decisions. past failures, disappointments and hurts have only made me emerge from the dark shadows a stronger person. forgive, but never forget.
2. i learnt that, only when you are happy and contented with what you are undergoing, then it is an intended purpose executed as blessed by God. say, if you are unhappy and miserable with this someone in a relationship, you have a lousy unsatisfying job, not enjoying a single bit of whatever you are doing. then, that clearly illustrates that you are not walking on the intended path that God has so carefully laid out for you! you walking on a human-decided path(ie. a decision made out of your own accord, which of course is faulted..) a decision or executed move thatwas never meant to be in God's purpose for you!
God's plans for you were already laid out even before you were born! by walking on the path he laid before for only you, you are fulfilling the unique purpose that he has created for you.
how do you be sure? that is when you are truly happy, contented and fulfilled by what you are doing, by who you are with. when your mind, heart, and soul are filled with the holy trinity, which is Love, Peace, Hope and Joy. it is God blessed.
3. having through bad experiences only makes one more cautious and wary of people and surroundings. i don't deny that. in fact, it has made me a better person. i've began to realize what are my priorities for the present, in building a concrete foundation for the near future.
time is very precious so make the best out of it. spend less time on needless entertainment : movies, fun activities, friends etc. well, boyfriend included at certain times. focus on difficult yet fulfilling task : sch work. family. self-developement. learn to say "no".
4. opportunities come along like a box of chocolates being passed round the dinner table. each person only gets to choose once. but regardless of what they have picked themselves, whether sweet or bitter, dark or milky, they would never be satisfied! to human who inherently have insatiable desires, that piece of chocolate that others have would always be better than whatever they hold on their hand, melt in their mouths. no one ever relish and savour the sweetness or bitterness of their own chocolate, enjoying its taste to the fullest.
5. i am a person with less words. i choose not to say, but to listen intently. listen to what people have to say, form your own views but keep it to yourself. let time tell who is the wiser of the crowd. humble yourself, make yourself not the center of attention. one day, you would be exalted for your wise opinions and patience in listening. when i don't speak, doens't mean that i am unhappy. just that i am in my own train of thoughts, obeserving and evaluating what you are saying.
right now, i am trying my best to become a better student to be more organized and conscientious in my studies. give it enough time, effort and attention. i do not believe in hard mugging but sheer understanding and application of theories, concepts and examples, relating it back to reality. i am trying to cut down on unneccessary expenses and lead a more frugal life. material luxuries are mere temporal delights, you would lose the novelty in no time. i am trying my best to become a better Christian. to not judge people, not critisize matters not of my concern. to love more graciously, to serve others more willingly. ask unto myself what i ask of others. to communicate with God more, through sermons attendances and reading of the holy scriptures, praying that God would enlighten me in His time and accordance that i would come to serve in His purpose. never lose my faith and trust in Him, ultimately, through my own words, thoughts and deeds of living life adhering to His teachings, bring more people to God.
*specially for Joshua*
no worries, you didn't spoil my evening nor my mood. i just tend to keep quiet when i am sorting out my thoughts and forming my own conclusions. do not fear nor doubt, for those negative thoughts would unconsiously alter your actions and shaken your faith and confidence.
il perfectto
everyday should be like this.
meet joshua (first thing in the morning).
then go do what we have to do. study. play sports. research. lab. etc.
end the day together. wait for the other one to finish lessons.
take a long evening stroll hand in hand in campus. admire the sunset.
chat about our day. about anything. joke about something.
afterwhich, have dinner or ice cream or just a drink.
then, go home. rest. finish up work. chat on phone for awhile.
sweet dreams my dear.
this way, we won't be unhappy, grumpy, or listless.
feeling that somewhat something is missing. very uncomfortable.
and accomplish what we have to do with glee.
today ended really fine.
thou the two of us were tired to a certain extent,
we met up for Haagen Daz at Siglap. spent time together in the car.
without having to say much, there's this joy warmth love and assurance felt.
i need Joshua.
